MoM

Why is it that even when you are happy on the outside there is still a dead spot inside you that you cant escape from? Why is it that I push myself in the way that I need to but nothing is good enough for you? Have I been that big of a disappointment to you? I wonder if I am not so far lost because I don’t have you to help me. Maybe losing you at 14 because you kicked me out because I got pregnant and didn’t want to have a abortion because I don’t believe in it really caused you to not care about me anymore. I have been screaming from the top of my lungs to you to get your attention. Telling you that I give up. I don’t care if I live. Telling you I am leaving. Telling you that id do anything to get to you. Why cant you see that I am trying to have you in my life. Do you not care?

I just want my mom. I just need someone there that is worth more than anything. I just want to be able to talk to you. I want to be able to open up to you so that I don’t feel like I am missing something. I want to be able to look at you and know that you love me. I want to have someone that loves me.

I am so sorry that I disappointed the family. I know that i am the outcast. but you are my mom and you should want to be there for me through all my times good or bad. id never do to my kids the way you have done to me. I will be better than you. If me having a hole in my heart because you walked out of my life just about completely then ill deal with that and never put that pain on my kids.

I hate what you have done to me but I can’t let you go because you are my mom. I am trying to show you what I can do. When we talk it’s hard for me because I cant tell weather you are trying or if it’s because I just don’t know what to think anymore… Your my mom. How could you even make me feel this way?

I just can’t… I want you to make me feel important and part of the family but it seems i never will be…